Whod you bang
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
