no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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