on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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