I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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