I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
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I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
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It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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