Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
