well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
