How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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