Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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