you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I cannot find my penis.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
