I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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