It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
