Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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