im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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