I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
They are going to name an STD after you.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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