I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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