You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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