Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
