I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
