My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
