I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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