I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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