did you get engaged???
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
