You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize