I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
