well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
