one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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