when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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