i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Less talking, more tequila
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
