Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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