I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
