I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
