I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
