imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
