If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
