The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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