is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my being single is dangerous.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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