believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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