So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
