ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
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this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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