He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
