If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
