just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
