so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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