A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i barfeds in our rink
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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