I molested 6 butterflies tonight
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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