it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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