I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
