had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
