Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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