Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
