I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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