i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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