you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
