To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
