So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
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a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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