I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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